Parent Voices: Do Your Own Work — Lessons From a Parent of a Trans Teen
We were hanging out in our kitchen just chatting after school. I have no memory of what I said before I found myself asking him, “Are you gay?” I couldn’t tell you why I asked him that on that day, but for some reason I felt like I should. He looked up at me, his eyes brimming with tears, and he nodded his head.
Now, if this were a movie, we’d see a flashback to a lunchtime conversation I had had with a coworker a year earlier. We had been talking about childhoods and upbringings, and she shared how her “coming out” had gone with her family. She explained that her parents were 100% supportive and loving, but she paused a moment before sharing, “She said all the right things, but afterwards my mom commented that ‘her daughter would not have the husband, the baby, and the house with a picket fence.’ That was her dream, not mine. I didn’t want my moment of truth to be blemished by her disappointment. I never told her how much that hurt me.”
So, I have this memory playing in my head while quickly realizing that I have a tendency to blather when I’m nervous. And I’m nervous. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what not to say. I mean I completely supported him. His confirmation changed nothing about my love for him, and I would always be there for whatever he needed, but nothing I could think of sounded right. So I said nothing. Instead, I leaned in and high-fived him. I remember looking at him and seeing him visibly relax. Tears and hugs followed. Talking came later.
Not bad right? Strong parent moment. My coworker had shared valuable insight which helped me remember to just listen. That shared moment with my son was not about me, it was his moment of truth.
Two years later my son informed us that he was a trans man. And as before, there were lots of tears and hugs. A new name was shared and a time to buy new clothes was scheduled. Another strong parent moment, but as I lay down to sleep that night, my anxiety got the better of me. My kid just told me he is a trans man. What exactly does that mean? I woke up the next morning with a running list of questions and uncertainties.
Over the next few weeks, I became consumed with learning all that I could. I read books, I attended zoom presentations, and I joined support groups. I was all in; I was going to be the Best Parent of a trans kid! At some point I found myself thinking of more questions than I could find answers for, which eventually leaked over to my son. Had he thought about having kids? Why did he choose the name that he did? Should we legally change it right away or can we wait? What do I tell people if they ask about him? Was he planning for hormones or surgery?
My son started to shut down. While he had seemed relieved after telling us that he was gay, sharing that he was trans seemed to have the opposite effect. One evening, while in my parents of trans teens support group, the topic of “our worries” came up. For more than an hour we volleyed around fears that we had and validated anxious concerns. Just before we wrapped up, one of the older group members jumped in and reminded us that we’re on our own journey. “Don’t put your worries and concerns on your kid’s shoulders. They have enough on their plate with their own journey. Do your own work and show your kids love and acceptance.” It was a bit spicier than that, but the message was clear.
Afterwards, I had the proverbial head smack. I imagined all the new situations my son was learning to navigate as a trans man. His friendships, school, public bathrooms, misgendering, the list went on. My son didn’t need me to ask if he planned to have children and if so, should we harvest his eggs? Legal complications surrounding gender marker change were my worries, not my son’s. What would people think about all of this? Although my thoughts and questions were valid, I needed to give my son the freedom of not shouldering that for me. He was on his own journey; this thinking was going to be my journey.
Six years later, our entire family is still learning and journeying. It’s a never-ending practice. None of us have ridden this ride before so you learn as you go. Some things you learn will be smooth sailing and others will push every last one of our buttons. It’s never going to be perfect and that is okay. Did you do better than yesterday or better than last time? Because that’s the heart of parenting, learning from our experiences. In school, 65% is still a passing score; allow yourself some grace and focus on loving and accepting your kid.
If you are a parent or caregiver who wants to better support your LGBTQIA+ child, consider parent coaching. You can book a complimentary 15 minute consult here.
Parent Voices is an anonymous opportunity for parents to voice their experience of raising a trans child, without disclosing their identity, and outing their child. If you would like to submit an article please send it to hello@genderspecialist.com with the subject line “Parent Voices”
