Difficult Conversations: Getting Through Instead of Getting Angry
by Ben Greene
We've all been there: The conversation that feels brand new and high stakes, but simultaneously identical to all the fights you've had before it. You read your lines, knowing already what they're going to say in response, and they do the same. Everyone leaves feeling even more frustrated but otherwise unchanged. But there is a better way! Next time, try this:
Pick the right timing
Ideally, we want this to be a live, one-on-one conversation. One on one doesn't have to be in person. It could be a phone call, a FaceTime, etc. But it means absolutely never in the comment section and very, very rarely a text message. Sometimes this is in the leadup to a family gathering, while other times it’s live at the thanksgiving table. Wherever we are, we don’t want to have a full conversation with a peanut gallery—we want to look for a quiet opportunity with time to genuinely connect.
Ground yourself
Remember who you’re talking to: This is not a face to face with a one-dimensional cartoon villain. Even if they might be a cartoon villain supporter, you aren’t talking to Donald Trump right now. This is your brother. We get frustrated when we feel like we have to “humanize ourselves”, and no one wants to be turned into a caricature. This includes the person who is sitting across from you. Let this serve as a critical reminder: We cannot deny others the dignity of complexity. This person in front of you is a human with their own baggage and fears and flaws and love and worthiness of growth and forgiveness, same as you. It might be worth even sharing this out loud with the person you're sitting across from. “You’re my brother, but this isn't how family is supposed to feel. I really want to try to figure this out together.”
Lead with curiosity
It’s easy to jump to conclusions about why people act or feel a certain way, but the fact of the matter is that we can’t know until they tell us. Most people just want to feel like someone cares what they have to say, and we can make that happen by validating feelings without validating beliefs or behaviors. I get a lot of mileage out of phrases like “It sounds like this has been really confusing and pretty frustrating for you.” I don’t have to agree that “these new pronouns have gone too far”, but I can recognize that my family member is overwhelmed, embarrassed, and angry. Sometimes I probe deeper. Can you help me understand what makes this topic feel so high stakes for you? Help me understand what you’ve heard about this issue?
Value align
We want to find at least one shared value or belief that we can work from and help show them that there is a better way to live that shared value. “I know at the end of the day, we both love these kids and want them to be happy. Could I share a few ideas with you that might help them feel more loved?” This has the ability to be so much more effective than just asking someone to say that they’re wrong and need to change. It protects their ego and gives them an opportunity to walk forward with us.
Communicate behavioral expectations
Uncommunicated expectations are premeditated resentment. If we have a specific behavior we want (or need!) to see more of, we should be clear about that. Ask them if they’d like to meet up to practice your loved one’s pronouns. We should also be clear on the stakes. If they say a certain phrase again, tell them in advance that you and your family will leave. We can’t tell people what they have to believe, but we absolutely can set minimum standards of behavior we are willing to accept.
Learn your yellow lights
Once your body starts to tell you you’re getting frustrated, it may be time to take a breather before you say something you can’t take back. Anger is a helpful emotion for telling us that a boundary has been crossed, and it gives us the strength to protect our loved ones, but it is rarely the tool that will make a difference in these conversations. How does your body tell you you need to take a break? How can you articulate these needs?
Remember, at the end of the day, these conversations will be messy, incomplete, and human. We cannot let perfect be the enemy of progress, and what matters most is that we keep showing up wherever we can. It’s so tempting to write them off, to turn away, and sometimes this is what needs to happen, but more often than not we’re just running from discomfort. If we truly want to build a world that is more inclusive, that can’t happen unless we talk to each other.
Ben Greene is a transgender advocate and educator who has spoken internationally on topics surrounding transgender inclusion. After coming out at 15 in a small town, Ben has devoted his career to spreading empathy, education, and storytelling around the trans experience. Whether it's for NASA, Johnson & Johnson, or over 150 PFLAG chapters, Ben leads with joy. He is the author of the substack "Good Queer News", as well as the book "My Child is Trans, Now What? A Joy Centered Approach to Support". He has been nominated for a GLAAD media award, and is a fierce advocate for transgender youth and their families, regularly speaking in their defense at the Missouri State Capitol. He is passionate about leading with joy and educating others from a place of compassion—no matter where they’re starting from.
