Parent Voices: What You Wish You’d Known Earlier
A lot of parenting before you’re a parent consists of black and white thoughts.
Allow me to give you some examples.
I will never let my child look at a screen before three years old and obviously will not buy them an iPad. I will absolutely breastfeed, but they will also easily take a bottle when I go to work or want to go out. I will definitely sleep train; they’ll go to bed on time and never come into our bed. They’ll wear cute outfits and tiny, perfect accessories. I’ll speak kindly and gently; I will never yell. They’ll potty train quickly, when I decide the time is right. We’ll still travel wherever we want, when we want.
When I get the girl, she’ll be girly, and when I get the boy, he’ll be boyish. Easily peasy, lemon squeezy.
My brain was kind of like, this is all going to be great, because I can set the rules, the parameters, the expectations. I am the parent. There will be boundaries.
Right? Isn’t that the way it works?
Well, my dear fellow parent friend, I hate to break it to you, but—this is not how it works. At all. Parenting is not black and white, because it’s gray. It’s blended, mixed up, and confusingly eye and heart opening. It’s teamwork, it’s give and take, it’s up and down. It’s an extreme and wonderful roller coaster ride.
Because even though you wanted to protect those precious eyes from screens, suddenly you haven’t cleaned yourself in days and Ms. Rachel is right there on TV and you decide: it’s time. So, you trade LED nursery rhymes for a shower. You decide you need to care for yourself, too.
You tried the breastfeeding route but your baby won’t latch and it’s causing you anxiety, so you switch to formula and suddenly everything shifts. Your baby is fed and full and your mind is at ease. You decide you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make your baby happy.
And sleep training! You try, you try so hard, but you can’t bear to listen to your baby scream and cry. You end up rocking them to sleep for the first year of their lives and you’re exhausted, but you decide what works, works.
You dress them in cute clothes that match for so long, but then one day they start to get a mind of their own and find the wackiest pair of pants to deem their absolute favorite and must wear them every day or else it’s meltdown central. You decide to choose your battles wisely.
You never yell, you want a calm and peaceful home. Until that time when you were cooking dinner and the baby was crying and the dog was barking and someone rang the doorbell at the same time the fire alarm went off and the timer for the oven—and you lost it. You decide to give yourself grace. You’re human, and it happens.
They said you were having a girl, but turns out, you had a boy. They said you were having a boy, but turns out, you had a girl. Or both. Or neither. Or your child is figuring it out.
And you decide to listen to your baby. To believe them. To support them. To figure it out alongside them.
The thing is, when you become a parent, you’re not signing up for the black and white. Which you don’t really know until you know. There is almost nothing that’s clear when you’re a parent, except for the deep, unwavering, overwhelming power of your love for them. That, gratefully, is crystal clear. And with that power of love comes the power of feeling safe and okay enough to throw out those rules, parameters, expectations, and boundaries—because you get it.
You decide it’s time to release control.
Because even when we got to the stage of realizing our child was not the “girl” we were assigned, we thought, okay, we have a trans boy. A son. But as time marches on, and our child continues his exploration of himself, we’ve realized—it’s still not black and white. Because it never was.
Turns out, it’s not even gray, either. This journey we’re on is a rainbow of colors. Big, bold, beautiful, unique colors. Our child is weaving his tapestry bit by bit, day by day in real time. The colors change and grow and expand—just like my heart.
And I’m just honored to have a place on his journey.
If you are a parent or caregiver who wants to better support your LGBTQIA+ child, consider parent coaching. You can book a complimentary 15 minute consult here.
Parent Voices is an anonymous opportunity for parents to voice their experience of raising a trans child, without disclosing their identity, and outing their child. If you would like to submit an article please send it to hello@genderspecialist.com with the subject line “Parent Voices.”
